Hippy-Hater Hotels (Bangkok, Thailand)

I’ve never really encountered true “Hippy-Hating” in any Hotel. (perhaps that speaks to the quailty of hotels I’ve been in.)  Hippy-hating is Cartmen’s (South Park) whole raison d'être (insert his voice here), “I HATE hippies…hippies piss me off.”  The Banyam Hotel announces its disdain for yogurt weaving tree-huggering backpackers with a big sign near the foyer. 

(Sign posted outside the Banyam Hotel – “No shorts/no sleeveless tops, No back packing, and no slippers/sandals.”

Being a former backbacker, I took a bit of offence.  The saving grace of the hippy attack was the stupendolorific (yes that is a neologism) view of Bangkok from the Vertigo Bar – over 50 stories up.  If one can set aside the $12 tag of their signature fru fru drinks, the atmosphere is awesome.

 (The nocturnal view from the Vertigo Bar on top of Banyam Hotel.)

(The barman busting a move from atop 50 stories of hotel.)

Thai transport (Bangkok, Thailand)

Bangkok is blessed with the BTS (Bangkok Transit System).  Cleaner than a German operating room and more efficient than a Japanese train, the BTS is a city traveler’s wet dream.  BTS is chock-a-block with flat screen TVs and graffiti-free walls.

Of course there’s alternatives to the BTS.  For the intrepid, there’s are scooters and motorcycles, which are quick (zip through traffic jams) and prevalent, often carrying more than two pax.

Here are a few pictures from the streets of Bangkok.

 

 

How does God spell “excellent?” (Lusaka, Zambia)

I live in an area of Lusaka called Woodlands.  My neighborhood is crisscrossed by tree-moniker roads – Ash, Elm, Fir – and my Road is Cedar.  Most of us that live on Cedar, we actually live on Cedar; however, there someone that must think they live on another street.  Or perhaps they sell apple-flavored drinks.

They painted the gate, “Cider No 7.”

(My neighbors down the street live on Cider Rd, but the rest of us on Cedar Rd.)

When giving directions to my house I use local landmarks. Street names in Africa are about as useful as squirt guns to the Marines.  The three main landmarks around my house are: St. Andrew’s Church, a gargantuan maroon bus (which stalled outside my gate and hasn’t moved since), and Chilimoyo School – which is about 30m from my house. 

The Chilimoyo School has many laudable characteristics.  The school is far from bustling streets, a safe area for youth to frolic.  The school has become an examination center, thus has some apparent qualifications.  They taut their values proudly (“God leads we follow”) and publicly (Chilimoyo signs are everywhere).     

However, there’s one small, but salient detail, which may stymie enrollment.  The school’s spelling skills are egregious.  The ad on the corner of Chindo and Leopard’s Hill reads, “Quality Education With Exellence .” The irony couldn't be better.

 

I suppose that one mistake could be forgiven.  But two?  What the hell are “Lavels?” 

Nuclear island sunsets (Zeavola, Phi Phi, Thailand)

I am not one prone to firework “woows” and “awwws” or sunset “ooos” and “ahhhs.”  However, the nuclear sunset from Phi Phi Island, Thailand was worth an “ooo,” “woow,” “awww” and an “ahhh.”  

There was only one thing flagitious about the day.  Many mzungus (fa-rang) grumbled about the fickle weather as thunderstorms pounded the shore and rumbled across the horizon.  Isn’t there beauty in rare weather?  Isn’t there loveliness in lightening bolts splitting the cerulean blue?  If all one wants is a fission-induced bronze (or actually “race-car red”), stick to the European tanning beds…more beach for me.

Better unspoken: Deworming and 1-ply TP (Lusaka, Zambia)

I get called a lot of things, and one oft-used adjective is “cheap.”  Yes, I buy wine by the box. Yes, I choose cologne by calculating the cost per mL.  Incidentally, anything over $1/mL I won’t buy, and boxed wine is great for glasses 2 through 5, as the first glass can be from a bottle. Glasses 6 and up, one doesn't remember anyway.

However, do not compromise on some key consumables. Toilet paper is one key consumable.  Treat your pucker well, I say…you only have one.  (The way some people talk though, you’d think they had two – one at each end.)  Guys – don’t buy cheap TP, or one day you may be saying something akin to, “Ethyl can you get my doughnut, my ‘roids are flaring.”

I’ve had stomach pains for the last week now.  Commensurate with stomach pain is usually a disconcerting but proportional increase in TP consumption.  My TP of choice is a three-ply bog roll made by Cottonsoft.  Unfortunately in Lusaka, this TP is only available with little blue puppies – quite emasculating.   

I am also hosting my first two Couch Surfers (see www.couchsurfing.org).  They are very cool, and surely the best first Couch Surfers anyone could have. One walked out the bathroom today and said,

“I think I’ve got worms.” 

I asked what you’re probably asking right now, “How do you know you’ve got worms?”  I’ll spare you the graphic details. Suffice to say that with the exception of boogers, men should never pull anything remotely string-like out of their bodies.  (perhaps I just didn’t spare you anything.)  I was thankful though because it made me realize I hadn't dewormed recently.

This morning during my jaunt to Crossroads, my shopping list was succinct: TP and dewormer.  In Zambia, almost anything can be found most of the time, but specific things, much less of the time.  For example, mozzarella is almost always available. However, the best one - Simonsville Mozzarella from South Africa -  is only sometimes available.  My TP of choice was not to be found, and I had to settle with a far inferior derriere-cleaner called Carlton.  (Shockingly this was the best of the worst.)  Dewormer, this one is called Zentel: Treatment for Worm Infestations, was readily available at a reasonable cost, K17,500 or about $3.80.

(Carlton TP…the best of the worst.  Zentel: Treatment for Worm Infestations, Albendozole.)

I’ve got a couple problems with this picture.  First, “1-ply” should never be splashed across the packaging as if it were a selling point.  That’s like trying to promote condoms with the alliteration: “Sensual, Sexy, and Sandpaper Soft.”   If it’s not 1-ply, what ply could it be?  No-ply…half-ply? Second, by definition “1-ply” cannot be either “strong” or “gentle” which are two adjectives found on this packaging.